A Night In The Life Of Slayer
by Invader-Zam4
Summary: Slayer, hoping to "atone" for his past tresspasses to five of the GGXX crew, he invites them on a little road trip to Transylvania. Hilarity ensues as Slayer has ulterior motives. However, he aint the only one...
1. Slayer Schinaneganzes

A Day in the Life of Slayer By Invader_Zam4  
  
Disclaimer: All the characters featured here, even the ones based on real persons are fictional. I do not own any of the characters mentioned here. All the Guilty Gear characters are right of Sammy and Daisuke Imawatari. Please don't sue me. I don't have money.  
  
Hello everyone! Today we will be exploring what a day in the life of Slayer is like! How does a 1000 year old assassin vampire spend his day? What is his work? How does he spend his free time? What is his secret to keeping his wife so breathless? Lets go now to his fabulous Transylvanian castle and catch the action!  
  
Slayers day/night actually begins before he wakes up. Every day, Sharon, being some kind of immortal that doesn't need sleep, tidies up the place. Making the castle a nice place to live in. If Sharon did not keep the place clean, it would be a filthy bachelor pad with 1000-year-old dust around. When asked why he doesn't just get female vampire slaves to do the housework, Slayer had this to say:  
  
"Ohohohohoho. Dear boy, you seem to misunderstand female vampires. All female vampires, like the sexy one you see in all those Dracula movie versions can only do one thing: have sex! They know nothing of housework! That is why I am extremely lucky to have Sharon."  
  
Indeed, Sharon is as dependent on Slayer as Slayer is as dependent on Sharon. But just how dependent is Slayer on Sharon? Is it just in the housework? No! Sharon is actually Slayer's guardian. But only in the day, during the night, roles are reversed. Let's see what happens when a vampire hunter enters the castle.  
  
"I, Brad Belmont must prove my manhood by slaying a vampire! That's the bad thing about coming from a family of vampire hunters. You get mastery of holy magic at 14, your very own whip at 16 and learn how to use those hearts as ammo at 17! But you have to mount a vampire on the wall when your 19 or they kick you out of the house. Fortunately, the Belmont tradition only says that I have to kill a vampire. There was no other rule. So I can just chuck a stake through his heart when its day time! No danger! Heehee."  
  
Is Brad's logic correct? Is Sharon powerless to protect his master/husband? Lets watch. Sharon sense the intruder and in a creepy Resident Evil way she walks to the main hall, only walking forward and stopping to turn when she needs to. She then looks at the a particular tile on the floor, a particular wall and a particular spot on the ceiling and waits for the intruder. Brad's coming in. Lets she what happens.  
  
"You there! Is this a vampire's castle?" Sharon, just nods in a creepy manner. "You are probably not a vampire since you are out in the day time. So are you the vampires slave?" Sharon, being very honest, shakes her head, also in a creepy manner. "That vampire must have mind controlled you. Fear not maiden, for I shall rescue you!"  
  
Now Brad runs towards Sharon. Sharon is still looking at that floor tile she was looking at earlier. As Brad nears the stairs leading to Sharon, he steps on the tile Sharon is watching. What's this? Sharon raises her hand and extends it so that it is parallel to the ground. Wait, a bear trap has appeared out of no where and impaled Brad! Wait, Sharon's doing it again... Wow! That wall Sharon was looking at a while ago just flipped and fired 5 arrows! * PLACK * STAB * PIERCE * PAIN * HURT * Oooh... That's gotta hurt. But wait, Sharon is not yet done... Oh my god a huge rock is falling from the ceiling! It is falling to the staircase, and its on a collision course with Brad! * WHAPACK * Look at him fly, break through a window and fall to a conveniently placed cliff near the castle.  
  
So that's how Sharon protects Slayer! We should have known she is a clone of Millennia from Kagero's Deception! Now night is falling and Sharon moves to the kitchen to make their evening tea. But what is this? A group of vampire hunters have slipped pass Sharon's senses. By the time she senses their arrival, they are already at Slayer's coffin. Oh no! Is this the end of our hero? But wait, as the hunters open the coffin, a bright violet light shines through the coffin disintegrating the hunters! Wow! A powerful display of power! Now, our favorite vampire is making his dramatic awakening. He is opting for the classic angle approach, where Slayers stiff body makes a 90-degree angle with the coffin. How impressive! 60, 70, 80... * TONG *  
  
"I must move the coffin or the chandelier."  
  
Slayer moves to one of the rooms of his castle. As he enters, the fire ignites itself, the organ plays itself, the curtains fling open by themselves and the TV sets itself to... "The Dead Night Show with Kliff Undersn"?  
  
"Yes, seeing one of the Holy Knights writhe in pain in eternal torment by hosting a late night show has been one of my favorite programs. Besides, what else is on? On HBO, Scream 35. On Star Movies: Freddie VS Jason VS Jeepers Creepers VS Sadako. We all know how that will end up. On Star World: Oprah (I can't believe HARPO productions would stoop so low as to continually clone that woman). Those are the only decent cable channels I have. The rest are:  
1. Indian Dancing Channel  
2. Buy It Now Before We Send Thugs To Beat The Crap Out Of You Channel  
  
3. Now TV that still shows quake though I still enjoy those host that  
they turned into zombies. Stevie: We are very glad to have with us, in the studio today, Clan Chaos! Loki: Yes, um, we a-are, um, very glad to, um, have you here Sophie: Yes, indeed we are. But now, we are going to have to eat your brains. All three (in Nemesis' voice): QUAKE PLAYERS...  
1. Christian Network (My hand on the remote burns everytime I tune  
into that)  
2. Animax (where they only show the 5th remake of Astro Boy)  
3. Half Naked Chicks Dancing to the Beat of Bad Music Channel (I  
believe this was once known as MTV)  
4. The Talk Show Network  
5. The Game Show Network  
6. The Soap Opera Network  
7. The Soap Network and  
8. The Granny Network, old ladies 24 hours a day  
"So you see, I don't have many options"  
  
"Hello everyone! Today, we have a very special guest! She's the voluptuous succubus that can probably lure us all into bed, regardless of gender, and kill all of us. Please welcome Ms. Morrigan Aensland!  
  
Music plays as the succubus we all love moves to her chair.  
  
"Hello Morrigan, glad to have you" "Good to be here Kliffy" "So I understand you got into a scuffle over Alcuard, is that right?" "Oh yes, there was some issues regarding that." "But I thought you were still with Demitri Maximof?" "That old fart? I dumped him."  
  
In a bar somewhere, they are watching the talk show as well. "That is not true!" screamed the mentioned vampire "I dumped her!" The rest of the Dark Stalkers cast was sniggering. "You dare mock me!? That is the truth!" "Sure it is." Talbane replied, under his breath, "Loser..." "Morrigan told me she dumped you because of something downtown." Said Lilith "Hahaha!! So much for being an age old sex symbol!" laughed Hsien-Ko "So that'zzz why you wanted thozzze impotence honey jarzzzz from me." said Q-Bee. Laughter burst in the room. Demitri, considerably agitated "How dare you... I AM ONE OF THE STRONGEST DARK STALKERS! I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOU INSOLENT...*" "OH SHUT UP ALREADY!" Bellowed BB Hood who fired a rocket at the vampire, blowin the vampire up, embedding him to the wall. In order to stop him from disturbing the other viewers, Victor grabbed Demitri, put him on the floor and sat on the poor chap, immobilizing him while hurting his ego.  
  
Back at the studio  
  
"So you see, Kliffy, I knew Alucard for more than a millenia. That little skank of his has no right to claim him."  
  
"Interesting. Well, we invited that "little skank" here today to help you settle your differences. Everyone pleas welcome Seras Victoria!"  
  
"This is the part I Iove most about this show" noted Slayer "When it becomes a reincarnation of that old IQ dropping show a few centuries back. What was it called? 'Jerry Springer' or something like that?"  
  
Indeed the show did become a Jerry Springer.  
  
"You little ******* succubus! He only wants you as a ***** sex toy!"  
  
"That's your role you ****-******* ******* whore! He doesn't even care for you! He only turned you into a ******* vampire because you were cute!"  
  
"Well at least I stay by his side! **** toy or not! You, you go off ******** anything you see! Werewolves, Catgirls, Mermen Robots, Gears, even cross-dressing, yoyo wielding Brit Boys!"  
  
The following scenes turned into a flurry of chairs, tables, curses, soul fists, Halconen bullets, and fried chicken. The ghost of Kliff just watch with great perverted amusement as the fight turned into a mud-wrestling catfight.  
  
Upon hearing Sharon come in the room, the TV turns itself off and Slayer faces his lovely wife. The two have a one sided conversation as they drink their evening tea. After wards...  
  
"Sharon, what is my schedule for today?" Upon hearing this, Sharon brings out a small planner and hands it to Slayer. Slayer shifts over the notes. "Let us see..."  
  
6:30-7:00 Dead Night with Kliff Undersn  
  
7:00-7:30 Have tea, Have one sided conversation with Sharon, Look at planner  
  
7:30-6:00 Tomfoolery to be planned  
  
"According to my strict schedule, we are to annoy more of the GGXX cast. Shall we go Sharon?"  
  
Sharon and Slayer teleports off somewhere. We see them at and old ruin of a town. There we see Millia Rage fighting off Venom and Zato. The two watched as Millia deflected Venom's Amaguriken of balls and jumped away from Zato's forward high slash. Moments of silent observation pass by. "I agree Sharon. Assassins should be with each other, not against each other. Let us give them a common enemy to do battle with." Slayer begins reciting an old magical spell.  
  
From the dark depths, you now must rise Bring forth your slow agonizing demise!  
  
From the ground beneath the feet of the three assassins, zombies pop out and lurch towards them. More and more pop out of the ground and eventually, the three are surrounded. But a strange similarity that all the zombie's have is that they are all wearing business suits.  
  
"Z-Zato-sama! What are these things?"  
  
"I, I don't know! They seem to be zombies, but each one has a dark, malevolent aura..."  
  
"I don't know what they are, but if my suspicion is true, we are in grave danger." Softly said by Millia  
  
Then, all the buisiness suited zombies spoke in unison.  
  
"We are the undead IRS employees. Have you fixed your taxes? You must fix all your papers before the deadline. The deadline is close. You may be sued for tax evasion. Will you consider our bank's loan options? Your papers are lacking your birth certificate. I have an opening on Tuesday. Please be here by 7:30 or we will sue you."  
  
"Oh no, just as I thought..." Rage in a trembling voice says  
  
"What is it traitor?"  
  
"They are zombie IRS agents! They lead boring lives when they were on earth and now they seek more to join in their torment. One bite or scratch from them will turn us into...into..."  
  
"Into what?!" Impatiently screamed by Venom  
  
"GOVERNMENT CLERKS! Where we will spend the rest of our days filing papers, stamping, writing reports and experiencing a slow and agonizing death!"  
  
From the top of one of the ruined sky scrapers, Slayer heard a man scream. "Must have been Venom." Then he heard a woman's scream "That would probably be Millia." Then he heard a girl's scream. "Definitely Zato." When Slayer looked down, he saw the three frantically fighting the zombie IRS. Millia was cutting them into two with her hair whip. Venom was shooting balls at the rate of a machine gun. Zato was letting Eddie drill them all. But unfortunately, Slayer put another cruel trick on them. For zombies that would be strike down, two would replace them.  
  
"Oh my god! They're cock roaches!" the three screamed together  
  
"Hohohohohohoho! This should be good training for those three. Shall we go Sharon?" Sharon nods and they whisk away to a new loacation.  
  
Baiken, the lone swordswoman, is traveling the cold dark road on her own. She has experienced many tortures and only sight of the blood of that man spilling on her blade keeps her alive. As she travels along the dark road, two figures block her path.  
  
"What do you want blood sucker. Want to fight?"  
  
"Cheerio, Ms. Bakien, I see you are as charming as ever. Still on a pointless chase for the Gear creator?"  
  
"None of your damn business. Get out of my way or I'll make you get out of my way."  
  
"I see, well I supposed you wouldn't be interested in knowing his location then?"  
  
"What?! You know where he is?" With her only free hand, she grabs Slayer's collar. "Where is he?!"  
  
"He is over there." Slayer points to some old ruins. Baiken fell silent for a while.  
  
"You weren't reluctant in giving me this information. What guarantee do you have that your infromation is true?"  
  
"I don't. Your just going to have to use your instinct to judge the truth in my words. Besides, will you let an opportunity like this slip away? What do you have to lose?"  
  
Baiken then let loose her grip and thought for awhile. "Alright. I don't have any leads. I'll go."  
  
"Very good. Then take this." Slayer brought out of the trees that surrounded the dark road a black horse. A nightmare. "Use this so that you can travel swifter. Do not worry, I tamed this beast."  
  
"Just then, the nightmare started going berserk. Then, Slayer does a Mappa punch on the beast, taking it down and calming it down. Baiken mounts the beast and heads off to the ruins. Without even saying a word of thanks or goodbye, she rides off to the ruins as fast as the horses leg's could take her. As she rides, the "Departure" song from Rurouni Kenshin plays at the background, showing the dramatic charge of the samurai into battle.  
  
"Okay Sharon, you can stop playing now." Sharon then puts down her acoustic guitar. The two watch Baiken ride off into the distance. "Yes Sharon that is where the IRS zombies are. Those three will be able to last longer if there are four of them right? Let us depart then.  
  
At the tree that is in his stage, Bridget rests his weary head. Night has fallen and he is now sound asleep. He has many troubles, but they can wait until morning. As he was dreaming about being a manly man, something wakes him up.  
  
"Bridget. Bridget. BRIDGET! WAKE UP BRIT BOY!"  
  
Something smacks the young bounty hunter and he wakes up.  
  
"Huh who's there?"  
  
"It is me Bridget." The young man could not believe what he was seeing. The voice was coming from...from...ROGER?! Yes! Roger was speaking, standing and moving. "Ro-ro-Roger? Are you speaking?"  
  
"No, I'm the queen of France. Of course it's me! I have awakened you because I have something important to tell you."  
  
"Wh-what is it Roger?" The obviously scared boy said  
  
"Do not call me by that detestable name. I shall tell you my true name later. For too long have I assisted you in battle. For two long have I been your savior. For too long have I been your most powerful move."  
  
"What are you saying Roger?"  
  
"I wish to be a SEPARATE CHARACTER!"  
  
tan-tan-taaaaan!  
  
"What?"  
  
"Yes Bridget, I had ulterior motives all along. I needed to find a suitable body so that I could leave my fluffy prison. You see an old Canadian trapped me in this bear. His flappy head was too much power. I was aboot, I mean, about to escape, when he casted a magical spell with his flappy head and trapped me here. He said that only the love of a boy could set me free. Unfortunately, boys aren't the type to like stuffed bears. But fortunately, you came along. Now all I need is a body! I wanted to wait for you until you became a man, but I can not wait any longer. Prepare yourself Bridget. PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR SOUL CONSUMED BY ME!"  
  
"Wh,what are you?"  
  
"What am I? I have many names, Beelzebub, Prince of Darkness, Fallen Angel. But I like to call myself by what the Filipinos call me. LUCY!"  
  
"Yo-you're!"  
  
"Yes Bridget, now prepare to meet your inferno! HAHAHAHAHAHA!"  
  
Then, blazing fires surrounded Bridget, giving him a preview of hell. He saw people being impaled on rusty spears while little children danced around them singing "Ring Around the Rosie." He saw people watching the Talk Show network on huge 32 inch TVs. He saw people dancing to the beat of the "Cheeky Girls" music. But wost of all, he saw himself being chased by an ADV monster! What else could the Brit boy do but, run away screaming. As he ran away, a wooden cross fell from the trees. "Oh dear, one of the controllers fell down. Whats that Sharon? He already ran away like a scared little wuss girl. Very well then. No Sharon, I didn't mean for him to run straight into the IRS zombies." Slayer jumped down carrying Sharon. When asked on how he learned puppetry and ventriloquism, Slayer had this to say:  
  
"Dear boy, when you have been around as long as I have, you tend to pick up a few things along the way."  
  
Meanwhile, in a remote part of the Philippines, a young man is impulsively writing this story. He is continually writing this story, relying on quick ideas that pop in his head. Helping him write is his little Perso-neko MIR. He is hooked up into a monitor and is doing all the typing for Zam, the author of this fic. MIR is also on his head.  
  
"Get off my head MIR." The little, silly perso-neko does so.  
  
"Man, Sheo Darren is going to kill me when he sees what fate I gave to Bridget. And if you are reading this right now, Sheo. Yes, I am the same Invader Zam that you know. You made Mittens into a joke character, now I am going to make a joke out of the joke character that you like! I will make him suffer unbearable torture and torment in order to spite you into a state of GET OFF MY HEAD MIR!"  
  
Slayer's next tomfoolery was at the May Ship. The Ship was on autopilot. Every one was sound asleep. Even Johnny. When Slayer saw Johnny sleeping, it gave him an idea. "Let us see how Johnny-boy here will react tot his nightmare I have invented for him." Then, from outside the window, Slayer looked at Johnny with great intensity. Then his pupils became catlike. When interviewed on who taught him the evil eye:  
  
"Who taught me the evil eye? Ohohohoho. Dear boy, I INVENTED the evil eye! And unlike the mortals who copied my technique, I can use it even if the target is asleep."  
  
Thus, Johnny's nightmare began. It began with Johnny, on top of the May Ship, wind blowing across his shirt in a very dramatic manner that would have surely made him score a couple of "pogi" points. After the camera panned all around him, he decided that he looked cool enough for one day and went down below. As he was about to enter the cockpit, someone sneaked behind him and covered his eyes.  
  
"Johnny-kun! Guess who I am?"  
  
Johnny, feeling somewhat amused at May's antics, decided to play along. He took off the hands and said "You are Ma...ay?" First Johnny, felt surprised at what he saw. Then shock. Then terror. What he saw was a BOY IN MAY'S OUTFIT! This sight made him stagger backwards into the cockpit.  
  
"Who...Who the hell are you?!" He screamed as the boy-May walked to him.  
  
"Oh no! Johnny must have amnesia! Everyone! Roll call! I'm Mack!"  
  
"Janus!"  
  
"Febrizio!"  
  
"Arturo!"  
  
"June!"  
  
"Julius!"  
  
"September!"  
  
"Octavius!  
  
"Noel!"  
  
"Necros!"  
  
Johnny, upon hearing the names, slowly turned back. It was true. His crew had become all little boys! What is worse was they were still in the Skimpy sailor girl uniform. What worst was that Necros was there instead of Dizzy and he was also in the sailor uniform.  
  
That made Johnny wake up screaming. That made Johnny, run screaming. That made Johnny fall screaming. Slayer, being the sporty chap he is, caught Johnny in the middle of his decent of death. Slayer being the mischievous man that he is didn't bring him back to the May Ship. Slayer, being the vampire of a twisted sense of humor, dropped Johnny in the middle of the IRS zombie field. He was amazed on how many zombies there were now. He only raised 20-25. Now there was roughly a hundred. And the five GGXX fighters were still frantically killing all the zombies, not realizing that killing them will make two replace them.  
  
Slayer then took off his monocle, his suit, his tie and his pipe, leaving him with only his pants, his shirts and his shoes, and proceeded to his next prank.  
  
Chipp Zanuff, the American Ninja glided through the trees. He wanted to feel what the old ninjas felt as he jumped from tree to tree and reminisced on his life. As he ran through the trees, he saw a figure standing on top of one of the trees. Seeing this as a challenge, he equipped his wrist blade and rushed towards his opponent. As he blurred to his opponent, he was shocked to see his challenger.  
  
"Master?"  
  
Slayer didn't need any fancy illusion. Fact of the matter is, he did look like Chipp's master (check Chipp's ending in the first guilty gear f you don't believe me). "Yes Chipp, I am the ghost of your master."  
  
"Master, it is good to see you. But I guess you aren't happy to see me. I can guess why you haven't crossed over. I'm sorry master! I havent been able to avenge your death!"  
  
"Chipp! Revenge means nothing to me!"  
  
"Yes it does, you told me when you were dying 'Kill the ********* that ***** shoved this ****** sword up my ***** ***** *****!'"  
  
"Yes, well, now my revenge is satisfied."  
  
"You mean the one who killed you is dead?"  
  
"Um...yeah, sure, dead. But now, I have another reason for staying on this mortal realm."  
  
"What is that master?"  
  
"Chipp, you have not achieved your full ninja-arts-fighting-ness-thingy. You have not trained enough!"  
  
"But master! I have! I am the fastest man in the world!"  
  
"Is that so?" Slayer then did a light punch on the tree and caused a small acorn to fall on Chipp's shoulder. The resulting impact broke Chipp's joint and caused massive internal bleeding.  
  
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH! Master! Why!"  
  
"Your speed is incredible, but your defense sucks! Even a ninja must be able to make to take hits too! You shame me Zanuff. Because of this, I am the martial arts laughing stock at heaven!"  
  
"I...am sorry master! Please forgive me! But this is just my fighting style! I can't learn yours! I have my own! So I can't help you regain honor!" begged Chipp as he patched up his internal bleeding.  
  
"Chipp, do you take me for an idiot? I know why your defense is near zero."  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"Let me devise for you a little test. I have two items in my hand and I will drop them both. I want you to save only one of the items. The first item I this, a shuriken. Basic armament of a ninja, sometimes a ninja's only friend."  
  
"Whats in the other hand?"  
  
Slayer smirked. "I'm sure you already know. Not save one!" Slayer let the two items fall. Chipp sprung into action and descended towards one of the items. Seeing it in his sight, he let himself free fall to the trees. As he caught it, he recovered and landed on a tree branch. As he landed, he immediately jumped towards his 'master.' As he landed firmly on the branch, Slayer demanded what he saved. Chipp, with pride, showed him what he saved. Unfortunately, Chipp did not save the shuriken, he saved what was in the other hand, a roll of weed. Seeing what he had traded for a shuriken, Chipp crumbled to dust. "You see now why your defense is null? You still want crack!"  
  
"I can't help it master! It helps me go faster! I need it! Besides, my tatic of pure speed works right? Hehe. Even if I am a druggie, I'm still bringing honor to the ninja code by defeating my enemies right? Hehe..."  
  
Slayer just stared at Chipp with a look of disappointment, while trying to prevent his laughter. Chipp bowed his head in shame.  
  
"Fear not Chipp. There is a way for me to accept your style of ninjit-kara- jiujit-muay thai-do-drug-fisticuff whatever. You must do one thing for me."  
  
"What master?"  
  
"Using your fighting style, I want you to clear this place of zombies" (No need to guess where he is having Chipp sent off to)  
  
"Zombies? That's easy! I'll be back in a flash master! Literally!"  
  
As quick as the wind, Chipp ran to the arms of the IRS zombies.  
  
Daylight is beginning to dawn and Slayer and Sharon is now headed back to his castle. Along the way, he sees a figure flying through the sky with an umbrella. Seeing that he had time to do one last mischief, he approached the mad, flying doctor Faust.  
  
"Faust thank goodness I found you!"  
  
"WHATA SAYAKO!!!!"  
  
"There is a group of induviduals who desperately need your help!"  
  
"DOKE!!! Tadaima."  
  
"They will be beyond medical science if you do not assist them!"  
  
"DOKE!!!!!"  
  
Slayer thought for a moment. You couldn't reach this freak even if you wanted to. You would have to use unconventional methods. So with great dignity, Slayer pronounced "Whata-saya-ko."  
  
"What! There are patients that need help! And that my presence there would just make the situation worse but I should still go anyway?! I am going right away! WHATASAYAKO!"  
  
With that, Faust teleports off to join the IRS zombie fray.  
  
With the success of making the lives of the GGXX characters more miserable than it already is, Slayer retreats to his Translyvanian home. "Another night well spent, eh Sharon?" Slayer returns to his slumber. What adventures could be in store for our favorite vampire tomorrow?  
  
But as Slayer laid down to his slumber, he could not help feeling he forgot something. Yes...yes he did. He forgot to dismiss the IRS zombies. Now, Millia, Venom, Zato, Bridget, Johnny, Baiken and Chipp were forced to hide from them. Millia's hair was starting to get split ends. Venom got splinters on his aiming fingers. Eddie was starting to throw a temper tantrum. A ring of pain manifested in Bridget's yoyo fingers. Baiken was running our of sake to keep her going. Johnny lost his cool and was in the fetal position. Chipp was smoking crack again.  
  
"Heh, that is the last time I get advice from a vampire" Baiken said in her usual gruff tone.  
  
Upon hearing this, the assassins looked at Baiken. "Did you say a vampire sent you here?" Zato asked with anger glaring in his eyes.  
  
"Yeah"  
  
The three twitched in anger and screamed in unison "SLAYER!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Anyway, these things are invincible. We have to find a way to escape!"  
  
"The cross dresser makes a point. How do we get out of here." Johnny replied, still in the fetal position.  
  
"There is magical portal on the top of this building!" Suggested Chipp. "If we can just get there, we can escape."  
  
"Okay," Millia, in a calm tone replied "On the count of LETS ROCK, we make a rush for the portal" They all took a deep breathe as Millia started the countdown  
  
"Duel First... Heaven or Hell... LETS ROCK!"  
  
The seven made a mad dash to the portal. They were fortunate not to encounter any zombies on the their ascent, but upon reaching the roof, there were 5 zombies that stood in their way. The fighters breathed a sigh of relief.  
  
"Everyone, try to distract the zombies while I get the portal online!" Commanded Johnny in his not-so-usual good leader tone.  
  
"Hai!"  
  
"That wont be necessary!"  
  
From the skies, a figure descended. A blinding flash made the fighter see only his silhouette. It was a tall figure with angel wings who stood in a glorious pose as he descended to the ground.  
  
"NEVER FEAR! DR. FAUST IS HERE!"  
  
Everyone replied "Oh no..."  
  
"Evil zombies! Take the wrath of my EXPLOSIVE PAPER BAG HEAD!" The mad doctor chucked his flaming head to all of the zombies. Good news: the zombies were blown to little pieces. Bad news: All those little pieces became zombies themselves.  
  
"You must meet the dead line. You can be sued. Tax Evasion is a punishable offense."  
  
"Hmm curious specimens..." Faust observed.  
  
The other 7 were stunned to see another effect of Faust's bombardment. The portal was destroyed.  
  
"Shit." Said the Samurai "What now?"  
  
"We are so ****** screwed."  
  
As these eight souls are entangled in a resident evil esque nightmare, Slayer continues to dream of tomorrow's foolishness.  
  
Note: Please review. This is my first ever fanfic so please don't be too harsh. 


	2. Transylvania Trip prologue

Disclaimer: I don't own Guilty Gear and all the related trademarks. They are property of Sammy. All respective trademarks mentioned here is property of their respective owners. Please don't sue me. I barely have money for cigarettes.

A Night in the Life of Slayer 

A Guilty Gear fanfiction by Invader-Zam4

Warning: I have added many adult themes, but there is no blunt out sex scenes. If you can take the humor of then you are good to go. If you aren't, you may be offended.

…

Soft violins play in the background. They play one of Mozart's classical compositions. The screen fades to white and we see a wall. A wall that is decorated with many grotesque, yet classical paintings. The camera begins to move to the left and we are treated to many more paintings. Soon we see a fireplace, the only source of light in the room, and an easy chair that is faced towards it. We don't know who is sitting behind it. There is just a cloud of smoke in the around the man.

MASTER(bation)PIECE THEATRE PRESENTS

The legs of the individual begin to move clumsily as he rotates the easy chair towards the camera.

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am Slayer, your host for Master(bation)piece theatre presents. Today, instead of showing another one of my antics with my usual victims or a sex movie, I will show you one of my great vacation videos. What is that Sharon? Ratings have been reduced to a quarter of our normal viewers? No matter. I am sure that the remaining audience will surely enjoy this. You see, I may be a vampire, but I still have a conscience. I desired to make peace with my favorite victims. That is why I invited them on a tour and vacation of my beloved homeland. I have labeled this vacation tape, or more along the lines that Sharon has labeled it…"

TRANSLYVANIA TRIP

"Now, I am sure you are asking on who the five favorite victims are. Well then let me tell you. The first one is not-so-young Master Sol Badguy. Yes I have often pestered him by buying his favorite bars then turning them into art galleries. Sometimes I would try to get him drunk by serving him up drinks far beyond any human metabolism can digest. I had forgotten that master Badguy is not human and wolfed one drink down after the other. Then I served him plain tap water, which turns out to be acidic to him. He vomited blood as soon as it reached his stomach. Then there are those days where I hide his cigarettes. I almost died again because of that. And as a gesture of goodwill, I have also invited his daughter, young mistress Dizzy, along as well.

The second fortunate member is Young Master Ky Kiske. Yes, there are those times when I set him up on a blind date…with a succubus. And there was that tomfoolery I did with those clearly doctored photos of him where he was at the Moulin Rogue, not as a patron mind you. He actually looks good in those flamboyant dresses, even in doctored photos. There are those days where I bought cheap replicas of his beloved tea cup collection, replaced them with his then went to his house and balanced them on sticks. I believe he went into a coma for a month after they all fell. Right, two months. Thank you Sharon.

My third guest is Young Master Bridget. Ah, I have so much fun with him. Controlling his teddy bear, having perverted business men try to grab his skirt, giving him breast implants while he is asleep…Oh dear so much fun indeed. Indeed, who would have known that cross dressing boys trying to act manly could be so much fun. As a gesture of goodwill, I let him take his twin along.

The fourth is Young Master Venom. I have my share with him too. Telling him he has become the newest leader of the assassin guild and that the reception was at a police station, giving him a wedding invite between my shadow and Eddie, using an super electromagnet to suspend him in the air with his nipple piercing, replacing his vibrator with a bomb, ah so much memories.

Finally, we have young master Johnny. He has entertained me as well. There are those schinaneganses where I gel his hair into a tower, making him look like one Johnny Bravo, telling him he was wonderful in bed while he is trying to court a young maiden, snatching his glasses while we are fighting (curiously, he rolls around the floor saying 'my glasses! I can't be seen without my glasses!) and finally, infesting his airship with metal eating beavers. Oh my, that was rich.

Now that we now who are the lucky characters are, we may now roll the film! Sharon, press the button…"

A trap door falls open under Slayer as he goes plummeting downwards…

"WRONG Buttoooooon…."

Footsteps can be heard as the camera shifts to the door. Slayer enters the room, soaking wet, with a crocodile gnawing at his leg.

"Sharon, darling why do we even still have that button?"

Slayer swats the crocodile aside and takes his seat. The player begins playing…

…

TRANSYLVANIA TRIP

Part one

…

The five Slayer victims and two guests wait outside a corner of an old age Victorian Street. They are carrying some heavy baggage and are waiting under the moonlight.

"ARGH! Where is that damn bloodsucker!" cried an angry Sol "If he set the time and place of meeting, he should at least be on time!"

"Now, now Sol, we have to be patient. This is an all expense paid trip after all" said one noble Ky.

"Man, I am excited!" Cried Bridget, now dressed in decent boy's attire. "This is my first road trip! Isn't it exciting Jacky?" he said to his twin sister, standing beside him.

"Man, could you tone down the genki-ness bro? You look like a fucking moron bouncing up and down." Jacky cried. Curious enough, now it is Jacky who is dressed in the nun's outfit. "MAN! Why did mom and dad make me wear this stupid thing?"

"They said they wanted you to look like a lady in front of the nice gentlevampire"

"Fuck that!"

Dizzy couldn't help but giggle. The two were so different from each other, yet they were twins. What made it even funnier was that the boy was meek and the girl was vulgar.

"Hey, cabana boy!" Sol cried out to Venom. "I thought you weren't coming? I thought you were gonna brood over your dead boyfriend."

Venom replied in a very solemn voice and didn't bother looking at Sol and continued staring into space. "Slayer's orders. He said a trip outside would do me a world of good."

"What kind of place do you think Transylvania is father?" asked Dizzy.

"Probably someplace where time stopped since 1600s. This is probably gonna be more like a grade school field trip, not a road trip." There was a twinge of disappointment in Sol's voice. He must have thought he would get lucky, until he found out Dizzy and Bridget would be invited as well.

"Cool. I was always into traditional chicks." Said a very perverted Johnny. "What with their dresses that are so long that it just makes you want to tear it off…"

"If I may say so, young master Johnny. You would do that regardless of whatever the female is wearing." Said a voice in the darkness. Everyone was taken back. From the darkness, Slayer emerged, standing regally as always.

"Bout time, old man." Said a gruff Sol. "Where are your wheels anyway?"

Slayer lit his pipe and blew a cloud of smoke. With all the tricks he mastered over the years, he did Gandalf's smoke galleon trick. Everyone looked at the display of inhuman smoking capacity. Then slayer took a big puff and this time releaser a big puff of smoke that transformed into the Titanic, running over the galleon. Little smoke people started popping out of the wreckage and got eaten by little smoke sharks.

"Patience is a virtue, young master Sol."

Then the whining of horses was heard in the distance.

"Ah good. Sharon is here."

From the darkness, Sharon appeared with the 'transportation.' It was a horse drawn carriage with four Nightmares pulling at it. They started breathing in and out brimstone fire. Sharon was the coach driver.

"Let us get your luggage in so that we may depart immediately."

…

Everyone got inside the carriage and Slayer closed the door. Sol, Ky and Venom was sitting on the side behind the coach driver facing backwards, and Slayer, Johnny, Dizzy and Jacky sat at the back seat, facing front.

"Wait a minute, you mean your going to bring us to Transylvania, which is 600kms away in a carriage! We aint got a month old man!"

"I assure you young master Badguy, Transylvanian horses are the fastest in the land."

"Yeah I'll bet!" said Sol as he slouched backwards. "Wake me when we reach the edge of the city, which will probably be in five hours." Then, with his enhanced gear senses, he heard something. It couldn't possibly be…It was. It was the sound of the clutch of a car going into gearshift.

The horses neighed and dashed forward in 100mph.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH!" cried Sol, Ky and Venom as the flew from the seats facing backwards towards the backseats ramming into the other patrons, except Slayer of course. Sol tried to get his head in front but due to the massive inertia, he was having a hard time, even with his gear strength.

"Old man! How are these horses moving so fast!"

"We dangle a carrot in front of them."

"YOU BASTARD!"

The horses suddenly slowed to 50mph.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

BLAG

Everyone suddenly flew to the other side, except Slayer, still seated comfortably.

"Oh good, Sharon is shifting to second gear."

Everyone cried "WHAT!"

Two carrots dangled in front of the horses. They sped to 200mph.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" BLAG

"Wait, Sharon! Stop the carriage! (AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA BLAG ) Are we missing someone?" asked Slayer. In his mind, he counted… one, two three four, five, six? He had forgotten Bridget. "DAMN!"

Bridget was on the street, running to catch up. "Guys! Wait for me!" Then the carriage backed up at the SAME speed. "Huh?"

POW

The carriage sent Bridget flying towards the other direction he was running. "AAAHHHHHHH!" Upon landing, there was so much initial force, he made an atomic explosion, with him as ground zero.

…

Meanwhile…

…

Anji woke up from a woman screaming. After the midnight carnival, he had become the president of the United Japanese Colonies. With all the money he gained over the years, he was able to buy a big bamboo plantation. This is his current residence. He got off his tatami mat. He then heard another scream and rushed towards the door.

TONG

Forgot it was a sliding door. He heard the scream again.

TONG

Forgot again.

He got out of the house and saw the Doctor, who had taken up residence with him to help him solve the Japanese Population problem. He was proposing to make a Japanese viagra on steroids. Anji was more than happy to provide him funding and lodging.

"Doctor-san! Did you hear that?"

"Yes, Mr. Mito. That sounded like Robo-Ky!"

"…What?"

"Yes. Robo-Ky. I had installed in him a chip that allowed him to signal if there is danger of if something had happened."

"So the signal is a girl's scream?"

"There was an accident while I was making him. Suffice to say an anvil fell on his 'balls'. What could have happened?"

"I don't know. But the dogs are acting strangely…"

Four dogs were playing GG Isuka on a playstation2. Another dog was humping a bamboo pole. Two dogs were sparring with samurai swords. When one slashed off the other one's arm, blood started spraying out of the arm. Another dog looked like a Kabuki dancer. No, wait, that's just the dog from Gokusen. Then, there was another girlish scream.

The two men rushed through the bamboo groove. They finally found Robo-Ky standing in a sundress.

"Robo-Ky! Whats wrong?" cried the Doctor. Anji tapped on his shoulder and made him look forward. They were in a clearing. A crop circle-ish clearing. That was weird, especially since there were growing bamboo.

"I wonder what they are trying to tell us…"

Little do they know that above the clouds, the bamboo circles formed a message.

FEAR MOOSE

…

It's the six o clock news with Testament Undersn and Millia Rage.

Testament and Millia had become anchorpersons after the whole midnight carnival crap. Testament because he really did finish Communication Arts and Millia for fan service. They were dressed in conservative business suits.

"Good evening, this is Testament Undersn and this is the six o clock news. For more news, we turn to Millia Rage. Millia?"

"Thanks Testament. In other news, mysterious crop circles have appeared on UJC President Anji Mito's plantation." They showed the photo of FEAR MOOSE. "No one is certain if this is authentic or another hoax. But one thing is for sure. Something strange is happening in that small Japanese Colony. What do you think Testament?"

Testament was fixing his papers.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't listening."

…

Millia started striding through the hallway reading some reports.

"Millia!" cried out her boss. "Got a second?" he began walking beside her

"Sure boss."

"I need that whore house raid report by 8 o clock today!" Millia was aghast

"But I want to stick with the crop circle story!"

"Aw come on Millia! You know that those things are just a hoax!"

"No! I don't think this one is! I can feel it! Call it woman's intuition, assassin instinct or ESPN, but I know when danger is near! AAAUUGGHH!" she then stepped on her hair, causing her to trip. She got up clumsily.

"Come on Millia! Its stakes week! Ratings mean everything! People want stories…like the one you did yesterday!"

"The story on the next line of designer school girl outfits!" she stopped. "But that was just thirty minutes of upskirts! I mean come on!" She did a high kick and kept her leg extended to flash her skirt. Immediately, dozens of people with cameras, video recorders and binoculars came in front of her, with a big whoa.

"WHATS SO INTERESTING ABOUT THIS!" She put her leg down and all the people groaned in disappointment and left. "People don't care about this! People want hard hitting stories, social commentaries and…and…"

"AND BIG BUTS!" The whole studio suddenly shifted to a party as dozens of people came out dancing to the song "I like big butts." Of course, there were large-assed women there. An exasperated Millia left.

…

Meanwhile, in another part of America…

Chipp Zanuff, dressed in a formal black suit, was trailing Bartholomew across a spacious office as she was going to her desk.

"All these reports of crop circles and the rumors of The Man's movements is getting too out of hand. Matters have to be taken and troops have to be mobilized. We cannot allow these problems to escalate any further."

She then sat at her desk while still looking at her papers. She then faced Chipp.

"Get me the president."

"Ma'am. You ARE the president."

"Good, so I already know this. Lets get lunch."

"Ma'am, if I may?" interjected Chipp. "I think it would be best if you went online and told the people that there are no such things as UFO."

"Chipp, I may be a teenager but you don't have to spell for me."

Chipp was dumbfounded.

"Aliens, ma'am. You have to tell the public that there are no such things as aliens. Also that The Man is not making any movements."

"Well…that's not entirely true Chipp."

"…About what ma'am? The first or the second?"

"The second one. The first one may be true. But it isn't as true as the second one. So you can say that the second is more true that the first. The third one may be false. So the order of truth is second, first then third. Not third second first or first second third. The fourth one is just stupid."

She then stood up and looked outside the window.

"Anyway, as to the part about The Man being active, a couple of weeks ago, Raven came to us. He was prophesizing about the doom of man and on how we should all repent. He said that The Man had a terrible plan that would doom all life on earth. Now, we were supposed to negotiate America's survival with Raven, but there was a terrible mix up. Instead of sending him to the negotiation room, we sent him outside, where there was a children's party being held. They dog tackled him, hog-tied him and suspended him above a tree. They must have thought he was the piñata. They beat him to a bloody pulp with sticks. We ended up making a peace treaty with the piñata. That was the last we saw of him. No wait, scratch that, we did find his decomposing, bloody carcass the next day. We mixed him in the compost pit. He decomposed well. Anyway…"

Chipp was stunned, wide-eyed and mouth wide open. He could not believe what he had just heard. Literally.

"So, that's why we have a piñata day?"

"Yes. To honor the brave piñatas that fought in the gear war. Anyway, Chipp I am assigning you to this The Man case."

"What!"

"Don't worry, I don't want you to stop him. Just get all the information regarding his 'big plan.' After getting enough reconnaissance, you will then try to stop him. Then let him go. Then you will stop him once more. Then you will pin him. The referee should declare you the winner by then. You can start with her."

Bartholomew showed Chipp a picture of Millia.

"What does Rage have to do with this?"

"She has the best knowledge regarding the aliens. Odds are, they may be related to The Man's plan. I want you to team up with her and help her in her investigation."

"But Ma'am…"

Chipp stopped and listened to his earpiece with great intensity. Bartholomew moved towards him.

"What is it Chipp?"

Chipp gave the President his earpiece.

"From their latest album ma'am."

She listened to the earpiece.

"Shake ya bombom…shake ya bombom, hey this shit is banging."

…

Meanwhile, a very stressed 18 year-old wakes up with a ringing hangover in front of his computer. It is early morning and the sun hasn't risen yet. The light of the computer causes pain to his eyes. Once he recovers, he takes a look at what has been written.

"Whoa. What the hell have I been drinking?"

Takes a look at the bottle on his right hand.

"Oh yeah. Well. I guess I might as well finish it…"

…

Where is Slayer taking our heroes? What connection could the crop circles have with The Man? Why should we FEAR MOOSE? Did Raven really decompose well? Could the narrators accent get any worse? What exactly is Zam drinking? Find out in the next (insert cheezy pun) installment of Transylvania Trip: Of prophecies and sausages!

…

GIR! Get me my capsules!

YAY! DRUGS!


End file.
